Fix-It Ticket Follies.

I haven't done it in a while, but every so often I have to go to the front counter of the SCPD and sign off a ticket for some citizen who got dinged for an equipment violation (or Fix-It Ticket, as they're commonly known here in Cali). 

These can be entertaining, at least on occasion. Like the kid who hands you a crumpled cite for tinted windows that's clearly been rattling around in his wallet for a while. When you ask to see the vehicle, the front door windows are covered in sticky goo - the remnants of the adhesive from his tint ("Hell no, I ain't gonna go back to the shop and have 'em take it off. I can do that my own damn self!"). 

It's also the law in this state that you've got to have two license plates on your vehicle. DMV issued you two, and you need to put both on, regardless of what you think it does to the esthetics of your wannabe pimpmobile. Usually, when I ask for proof of correction, they smile like an eager preschooler, and hand over the brown DMV envelope - with the plate inside it. 

"Good for you. You have the other plate. Now put it on."

"Huh?!?"

"The law says the front plate must be affixed to the vehicle. Carrying it around with you doesn't count. Neither does leaving it on top of the dash."

At this point, the smiles disappear, and they aren't so happy anymore. It gets worse when I'm standing over them in the parking lot as they wield the screwdriver.

I went through this routine one day, then told the owner, "Let's go out and take a look at your car."

I walk out into the public parking lot, only to come face-to-face with one of the ugliest 80's Mustangs on earth. Every body panel is dented, scratched or cracked, and the car has been rattle-can sprayed (badly) in various shades of gray primer. It's impossible to tell at this point what color the car once was. In fact, aside from the fact it's got four wheels, I might be hard-pressed to use the term "car" at all in connection with this POS. It looks as though it might once have been used at one of those carnivals where you pay to hit the thing with a sledgehammer.

So. Once again, I tell the owner:

"Look, you have to mount the plate on the car. Do that, and I'll sign the ticket off."

"I can't do that!!!"

Mmmmmmmkay. I know I'm going to be sorry I asked...

"And why is that?"

"Because it's a CLASSIC!!! It'll ruin the collector value!!!" 

Remember that part in The Big Lebowski where The Dude gets his stolen Torino back, and he asks the cop, "Do you have any leads?" Remember the cop's reaction? 

I had to really struggle to not do that...